There aren't enough hours in the day. I don't finish half of what I need to, and another pile starts as soon as I knock one down. And everyone has an opinion on my performance -- because, you know, everyone thinks they could do it better. What I do in the course of a day... it boggles MY mind sometimes. In the span of 24 hours, I can clean, dress, groom, and transport three people to their daily commitments, grade 200 papers, plan four days of lessons, post worksheets and answer keys online, discuss string theory and quantum mechanics, supervise adolescents with the combustion of methane and hazardous chemicals, dodge fighting teenagers, conquer professional development plans, substitute for another colleague, transport three people home, feed them, supervise two sets of homework, read stories, tuck two people into bed, do two loads of laundry, clean half the house, feed the cat, and collapse in a heap. Oh, and at least once every four days, do all that with explosive diarrhea or violent nausea.
What I don't do is eat. Or pee. Or sleep. I don't read. I don't stretch lazily on a sofa and do nothing. I don't listen to music. I don't watch movies. I don't have time for haircuts. I don't have money for shopping. I don't travel. I don't swim. Or bike. Hell, I don't even OWN a bike.
I dare any one of the judgmental, condescending, know-it-all SOBs who likes to pass judgment on my life and how I conduct my business -- yes, I DARE them -- to trade places with me. For a week. I DARE the lawmakers who want to limit my ability to bargain for health insurance and retirement to try to live my life. I guarantee, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I could do THEIR job. I could probably do it with more compassion, efficiency, and grace under pressure, too. And I guarantee, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they'd be LOST in my world. Go ahead. I dare you. Educate 125 kids in the art of chemistry and physics while parenting two kids -- one with special needs who can't get help outside the public school system -- and, while you're at it, pay back $25,000 in student loans you spent to get your master's degree.
Oh, wait. That's right. The chief SOB who thinks I'm lazy and pampered and wants to pay for tax cuts for rich people with my pension never GOT his degree.
I am fed up. With all of this. Fed up of being frazzled and exhausted and sick and depressed and anxious and angry and broke. Fed up with hearing how I'm just not doing enough, of being made to feel less than others. I'm fed up with being alone, without support, without even a compass showing me an inkling of the steps that will get me out of this hell.
There has got to be something better than this.
Oh I wish I could help. Physically be there and help, but that's not possible.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I have the words to encourage you.
I have been at the bottom of the pit before, where I have felt people have pushed me back in just as I was starting to climb out.
The only thing that kept me from going insane was having one person remind me where to constantly go back to. I had to hang onto Jesus. many times it was fighting him and kicking and screaming and struggling and refusing to do anything at all. In the end though he was the compass that showed me the way out.
I don't know that what I said will help you - for all I know it will only make you more angry, or more depressed... I don't know your specific situation, other than what you have shared here. I don't share or face the same situations you do.
But I do recognize all the emotions you are going through, because I have been through them all too.
You are not "less than" others. No one is a "less than." You are important and precious and perfectly made to somehow withstand the pressures you face sometimes on a minute to minute basis that no one else could ever stand. You are unique, and God knows what you are going through, and you are not ignored by him... you are loved more than you could ever imagine by him... in his hand is the compass you need.. if and when you are ready to take it... it doesn't guarantee an easier life, but does promise someone to walk through it with you, closer than anyone else could.
I hope and pray that you find some sort of hope in these inadequate words of mine.
I will be praying for you - just finished actually and will continue.
email me or facebook me if you need to talk or have someone just listen.
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